Lies I Believed About Motherhood

I remember the day I took that first pregnancy test quite vividly. I’d been having some subtle symptoms for a week and half or so but I’d convinced myself it was all in my head. I definitely could not be pregnant. And then I thought, “Oh what the heck, I’ll just take one.”

Lo and behold, two blue lines. I was pregnant.

It was both exciting and terrifying. There was a tiny, little human being inside of me! I couldn’t believe it. I was actually going to be a mom. All my life I couldn’t wait to have kids of my own. And then when it was there, staring me right in the face, I suddenly felt very nervous. Was I really ready to be a mom?

As my pregnancy progressed I felt less scared and more excited. By the end of my pregnancy I could hardly wait to have my little man. I just wanted him here in my arms. (And I was really done being pregnant)

And then, at long last, he was here. My beautiful little boy. (Okay, I admit when he first came out he was kind of weird looking) They placed him on my chest for the first time and I nearly cried tears of joy. It was incredible.

And then we brought him home. And that’s when the real work began. It’s strange how being a mom, and a parent in general, can be both the best job in the world and the hardest. With no pay. Actually it’s more like negative pay. Yet, despite the trials that come with being a mom, it’s all worth it.

Even though I haven’t been a mom for very long, I’m beginning to realize there were things I believed about motherhood that really aren’t true. Ideas I've believed for so long I didn't realize how it was effecting the way I view myself and the way I view motherhood. It’s been a slow process, coming to terms with some of these ideas. But I've realized by believing these lies my view of motherhood has been twisted. It makes me feel like a failure, like I will never be good enough mother to my son. I realized that the enemy was messing with my head, twisting good things into things that hold me back and make me feel inadequate.

So these are just a few of the lies I've believed, whether consciously or not, for a majority of my life. And I think it's safe to say that there are many women out there who've believed these lies, who've let society tell them what a good mom looks like. My hope is that by opening up about this issue I've faced that other mothers out there can also do the same. So these are the lies I believed about motherhood.

Lie #1.Being a wife and mom will completely fulfill me

Back when I was in high school I had such a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. Did I want to be massage therapist? Did I want to be a teacher? Did I want to be an Imagineer for Disney? I bounced back and forth between this and that. Nothing ever really sticking. And in retrospect I can see why. It’s because even though I didn’t know what I wanted to be, I knew someday I wanted to be a wife and mom. It seemed a little silly to spend my time and money on college education when, in the end, my hope was simply to be a stay-at-home mom.

And then, shortly after I graduated my husband and I got married and three months later we were pregnant. It was just the sort of fairy tale ending I had hoped for. But just a few weeks after I had Levi I began to realize that motherhood is hard. I knew it would be, but I didn't know how much. And while I love my husband and son more than anything else in the world, I still didn’t feel completely fulfilled.

I know it shouldn’t have, but it shocked me. How could what I’ve dreamed of my entire life, not fulfill me? How could what God laid on my heart not fulfill me? It seemed crazy. I’d wanted this my whole life and now it didn’t feel like enough. And only recently did I begin to learn the truth.

Even though being a wife and mom is part of who I am, it is not solely who I am. My world had been revolving around being a wife and mom, even before I was either, when it should have been revolving around Jesus. I know that God put it on my heart to be a wife and mom, but idolizing my husband and son had left me bitter and empty. True fulfillment comes when I surrender my life to Christ. And by doing that I’ve learned to appreciate and love being a wife and mom even more. Go figure, right?

Lie #2. I will instantly bond with my child

As I mentioned earlier it was one of the most amazing days when my little baby boy was born, albeit hard, but nonetheless amazing. When they laid him on my chest for the first time it was the best feeling in the world. After all of this hard work, he was finally here. We had a magical “golden hour” (or two if I’m honest). I felt elated. I was on cloud nine. Nothing could bring me down!

And then the epidural wore off. And the adrenaline died down. I was tired. I was in pain. And suddenly I had more responsibility than ever before. Levi had trouble nursing at first. I was struggling with breastfeeding. Oh, and did I mention I was exhausted and in a lot of pain? Suddenly, being a mom seemed a lot less magical.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Levi from the moment I met him. But I just didn’t feel that instant bonding that other women say they felt. I know it may not have really been the case but it certainly felt like Levi preferred pretty much anyone else to me. Unless he was hungry. In the beginning I just felt like a milk machine. How come we didn’t have that special bond that moms share with their babies? Was I doing something wrong?

Once again, in retrospect, I can see the truth. The matter of the fact is, even though I’d carried this little guy for nine months, we still had to get to know each other. Like with any relationship, be it your spouse or your sister or your friend, the more time you spend getting to know them, the more you learn about one another and the more you bond. Sometimes, even mom and baby relationships just take time. And that’s okay. (That being said, if after a long time you still don’t feel bonded to your baby that can be a sign of postpartum depression so you really ought to talk with your doctor.)

Lie #3. I have to be superwoman

This is one lie that still plagues me. I have been slow to really take this to heart. But I know in my head that it’s simply not true.

I was so naive when it came to motherhood. Even though I’ve grown up working with kids there are still some things that took me off guard. I had all these ideas about what I was going to do once I was a mom. Things like making homemade baby food, and nursing for the first year and keeping my house clean all of the time.

Boy oh boy, was I in for a shock. Guess what? When you’re a mom, you’re kind of tired sometimes. I know. Truly shocking. It’s amazing how some days I feel like I’m so on top of things. I’ve done the laundry and the dishes. I’ve played with Levi and given him super healthy, homemade baby food.  I’ve even showered, put on makeup and a cute outfit! Look out world, here I come!

And then the next day I’m chugging down coffee in sweatpants and it’s all I can do to make it til naptime. How could I be so awesome one day and so… not awesome the next? And why did I feel like such a failure for simply being tired?

Well I’m learning, very slowly I might add, that I don’t have to superwoman. Striving to be a good wife and mom is a very good thing. But trying to be perfect twenty-four/seven is impossible. Not to mention, absolutely exhausting. The thing is, kids don’t really care if you’re superwoman or not. At the end of the day if your kids are fed and loved, then you’re doing a pretty good job.

Lie #4. I will love being a mom all the time

This lie sort of goes back to the very first one, thinking that motherhood will somehow completely fulfill you. Thinking that you will love every second of every day of being a mom. The truth is, you won’t. I’m sure by now you’ve realized motherhood is no picnic. It’s hard work. Changing poopy diapers, cleaning up perpetual messes, finding mysterious crusty substances stuck to your jeans. (Is it poop? Is it spit up? Is it baby food? Guess we’ll never know..)

It’s enough to drive any sane person completely bonkers! And sometimes, I don’t love being a mom. Sometimes I long for the days when I could just leave the house whenever I wanted. Now I have to pack up a baby and pray that I can get my errands finished before he has a meltdown.

For a while I felt so guilty about this. I had always wanted to be a mom, why would I not love being a mom all the time? I’ve come to realize, it’s okay if I don’t love being a mom all the time. I was a person before I became a mom. I will be a person after my children grow up and leave. Sometimes, even the best moms, just need a break. And that's okay.

Lie #5. I’m Not Strong

This isn’t so much a lie I believed about motherhood, but a lie I believed about myself. I’ve never felt particularly strong either physically or spiritually. I’ve never been super outgoing or brave or courageous.

But perhaps the first thing I learned about motherhood; that I am way stronger than I ever knew. It takes strength to carry a baby for nine months and deal with all the lovely side effects of pregnancy. It takes strength to bring a baby into this world, regardless of the type of birth you have. It takes strength to get up at three in the morning, more tired than you’ve ever been, and nurse your baby while your husband sleeps soundly. (Seriously. So not fair)

Becoming a mom is learning that you are stronger than you ever knew or believed possible. Being a mom is not for the faint of heart. And yet, so many women I know are incredible, strong mothers. (My own being the best obviously;)

We may not be perfect moms. We will all make mistakes. We will all be tired. But to be a mom is a privilege and a blessing. And yes it’s one of the hardest jobs out there. But it is one of the best.

Why Getting Married Young Isn't Such A Bad Thing

My husband and I got engaged when we were just 18 years old. It was one of the happiest days of my life, even if didn’t quite go according to plan (long story there). And then, nearly ten months later we got married at just 19 years old. Most people were very happy for us and encouraged us and were Godly examples for us to follow.

Others, well, not so much. No one ever told me outright that it was crazy I was getting married so young. But there were a few occasions when I told people I was engaged and they definitely gave me funny looks, possibly questioning my judgement or whether I happened to be pregnant. I wasn’t.

So why on earth would I go and do something crazy like marry my best friend? (Gee I dunno, maybe because we were in love?) Why would I miss out on my youth and settle down so young?

Maybe because marriage isn’t about ME. Maybe it’s about making a life with the person I love more than anyone in the world. If I get to spend the rest of my life living for someone else, caring for their needs and their happiness, is that wasting my youth?

It seems that the past several decades there has been this strange taboo on getting married young, even when fifty or sixty years ago people got married right out of high school all the time. In fact, both of my grandparents married their high school sweethearts and had marriages that lasted more than fifty years. Fifty years people!

Interestingly enough, I’ve realized recently that I know A LOT of people who are rebelling against this cultural norm and getting married young anyway. And who doesn’t love a rebel?

And I’ve started to realize that us “crazy kids” getting married young have several things in common. Things that actually aren’t that crazy.

For one; We don’t want to live together before we get married.

I know. Absolute, utter nonsense. I remember when I was engaged both my parents got a ton of flack for letting their 19 year old daughter get married. “Why don’t they just live together?” People asked them, as if somehow that was a better alternative. But what is the difference really between getting married and living together, except that in one case you’ve made a lifetime commitment to another person and in the other case there will always be one foot out the door. Just in case.

But in marriage, there is no, one-foot-in, one-foot-out. It’s all or nothing. Which brings me to my next point.

We understand the sanctity and commitment of marriage.

We don’t want to date around. We don’t want to party. We value things like marriage and family and commitment.

Most of the people I know who don’t want to settle down are people who like to drink and party and mess around. They don’t want to be tied down. They want experiment. They think marriage is a piece of paper and it doesn’t mean anything.

We disagree. We believe there is so much more to life than partying. Like serving our spouse, even when we aren’t “feeling the love.” We want a family, and to raise our children in an upright manner. Most of all though, we aren’t afraid to settle down and commit to one single person for the rest of our lives.

I wonder who is really more mature?

Lastly; We want to start our lives with the person we love.

I’ve never actually seen the movie but I’ve heard the quote, “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” (When Harry Met Sally)

I’m not sure I could really say it any better. If you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, whether at 19 or 39, why wait?

Because age equals maturity? I think everyone knows that’s not really true in the long run. Some people are ready to be married at 19 and others not until much later.

But, I digress. The point is, getting married young is not such a bad thing. Every morning I get to wake up to the man of my dreams. And fall asleep next to him every night.

We get to build a life together. My husband and I never lived together, so when we moved in together after we got married we got to enjoy the newness of getting married. We learned more about each other (for better or worse). We figured out how to work as a team and do things together. We weren’t stuck in our old ways like some people are when they enter into marriage.

But one of the best things about getting married young; we get to be there for all those big milestones in life. I got to be there when my husband was accepted into his program. I’ll get to be there when he graduates and when he gets his first job as an ultrasound tech. We got to experience the joy of having our first child together. We will get to go through life together, enjoying the ups and downs together.

I can’t imagine anything better than going through life with my favorite person by my side. Sure there will be (and there have been) storms along the way. We’ve been thrown more than a couple of curveballs. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies and happy young love. Sometimes it’s really hard. It takes work. But it is always worth it in the end.

So yes, getting married young isn’t a bad thing at all. And though some people might find it a little crazy, I don’t feel like I’m missing out at all. It has been the greatest adventure, and I look forward to many more.

The New Year as a Young Mom

           The past few days a lot of people have asked if I did anything fun to celebrate the New Year, to which I laughed and responded with, "No. I have a baby." But in all reality this New Year's one of the most special I've had the privilege of celebrating, and probably not for the reason you think.

You see, here’s the thing about becoming a parent; your life never really goes back to the way it was. Sure your life settles down eventually, you get into a rhythm and a routine, you learn the ins and outs of parenthood and find a new “normal”. But it’s never quite the same.

As a parent you suddenly find yourself devoting a good chunk of your time and energy to keep another sweet, adorable, sometimes seemingly possessed, little human being alive. You feed them, change them, lay them down for naps (or die trying). You soothe boo-boos and temper tantrums. You clean up vomit and blowouts and other messes resulting from bodily functions you didn’t even know about until you became a parent.

No. After you have kids your life is never the same. But it’s not just because of the endless pile of laundry you seem to have these days (who knew the tiniest person in the house could up the laundry exponentially?). It’s not because everywhere you go now you have to lug a giant car seat or corral a bunch of toddlers into your new, sweet, minivan. It’s not even because a new, little human changes the entire dynamic between you and your spouse.

The biggest thing that changes is that, in a way, your life is no longer your own. Somebody’s very life is placed into your hands. You literally have the power to shape someone’s entire existence, for better or worse. You nurture them and care for them and help them grow. It’s difficult and amazing and challenging and wonderful and at times… lonely.

There. I said it.

Because when you have kids, you give up nearly everything. And it’s worth it. SO worth it. But suddenly you have to make sacrifices and put someone’s needs before your own desires. It’s very similar to getting married, except that you’re marrying an adult who can (hopefully) take care of themselves and survive perfectly fine without you.

But when you have a baby they’re quite literally dependent on you for EVERYTHING. You sacrifice your sleep, your freetime, your hobbies, date nights, girls nights, showers, vacations, and much, much more.

And at times, it’s really, really hard.

And it’s made harder when you feel like no one else really gets it. You see, I didn’t really get a typical “teenage experience”. I started taking college classes at sixteen and got a job a few months later. Then I graduated, got engaged at eighteen, married at nineteen and after three months of marriage learned that I was pregnant.

It was exciting! And fun! We were having a baby! But here’s the thing about getting married young and having a baby, you kind of feel like the odd one out.

I’ve realized the past few months that a strange sort of resentment had been building up inside of me. My and husband and I don’t exactly fit the mold. College age students who are married with a baby are just not something you find much these days. Sure we have married friends with kids, but they’re several years older than us. And we have some younger friends who are married, but most of them aren’t ready to have a kids yet.

And then there are the friends who aren’t married at all. The ones who are going to school and traveling to other countries and having fun 21st birthday parties. Just living life and embracing their youth!

And sometimes I scroll through facebook and can’t help but feel like an outsider. Like I missed out somehow. I didn’t get to go to a university. I didn’t get to study abroad and travel. I didn’t get to have a fun night out with my friends for my 21st.

And to be honest it took me longer than it should have to realize what was going on. I was jealous. Jealous of the friends who can go wherever they wanted, whenever they wanted. Jealous of the friends who’ve decided to wait on kids and now get to travel with their friends or spouses. Jealous that they could sleep whenever they felt like it! (Seriously though. Sleep is a luxury these days.)

And when you’re one of the only people your age with kids it’s really easy to feel completely alone, like nobody gets it. After all, there’s a reason people are waiting to have kids. I realized I’d been begging some of my friends and family to have kids not because “It’s the best thing ever!” and “Levi needs friends and cousins!” but mostly because I didn’t want to feel so alone in motherhood.

Then it hit me the other day like a ton of bricks. After church my husband and I loaded up Levi and decided to go for a hike. We strapped Levi into his carrier and started walking. It was a beautiful day. A little cold, but the sun was shining and we hiked along the lake. And I realized, I loved my family.

I know, shocker.

      But it was more than just realizing my love for my family. I’ve always loved them. It was realizing that I loved them so much that I’d looked to them for complete fulfillment, when I should have been looking to God. I love my husband and my son. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But they will never be enough for me. At the end of the day God is the only one who can truly fulfill me.

In that moment, it was as if he whispered into my heart, reminding me that I love the life he has given me, that he has placed me where I am for a reason.

God has placed me in my life as a wife and a mother. He hasn’t placed me in a big university. He hasn’t placed me overseas traveling. He hasn’t placed me at some party. He’s placed me right here, right now as a wife and mom. It’s tempting to feel like I missed out somehow. But if this is the life God has called me to, am I really missing out?

And later that night, while other people were ringing in the new year with parties and events and fireworks I was sitting in a rocking chair holding my sweet, sleepy, baby boy. And for the first time in along time I realized I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I'll Never Be A Good Enough Mom

Before I got married and had a child of my own I had this vision in my head of the kind of wife and mom I thought I’d be. I’d have a tastefully decorated house that I kept spic and span. I’d go grocery shopping and make delicious home-made meals. I’d do all of these fun extracurricular activities with my children and I’d have it all together! HA! Yeah right.

Obviously, I quickly learned that that would not be the case AT ALL! Shortly after we got married I got pregnant and had terrible morning sickness, to where I could not even step in the kitchen without having to run to the bathroom to throw up, let alone actually cook a meal! And then came the exhaustion. I’d come home from work and it was all I could do to just tidy up around the house before my feet started to hurt.

And then I actually had a baby. We won’t get into how difficult that is but any mom who has had a couple kids knows. You come home from the hospital in more pain than you’ve ever been in, more tired than you’ve ever been before and to top it off you now have more responsibility than you’ve ever had at any other point in your life. To say you’re a little stressed would be biggest understatement of all time probably.

So the months passed and I thought I’d get my act together. I thought I’d get my baby on a schedule, and while he slept I would clean and do laundry and wash the dishes. And then when he was awake I’d sing songs with him and read books and it would just fine and dandy. Except that’s not exactly what happened. Sure, some days I do get tons of stuff done and have bonding time with my little man but nine times out of ten that’s definitely not the case.

It seems like I have this never ending to-do list in my head. Vacuum the carpet, make the bed, do the dishes, fold the laundry, sweep the kitchen and then mop the kitchen, go buy groceries etc, etc, etc… The list never ends. Really. It never seems to end. For every one thing I check off, two more get added. It’s like Hydra. So when I look around my house and it looks like a crazy tornado swept through I feel like a complete and total failure.

And when this happens I begin to question my worth as a wife and a mom. I start saying things to myself like, “Wow, Levi and Alton deserve way better than me” or “Why is it so hard to simply do the dishes? I must be a bad mom.” The voices in my head are never kind. Never uplifting. Always dragging me down further and further. Telling me I’m not good enough, and I never will be. All because my house is messy.

Wait, what?

Yeah. I think I’m a bad wife and mom because I have dirty dishes.

Somehow, I truly believed this. And it really wasn’t until recently that I realized just how messed up and destructive this mentality is. And I know that I’m definitely not the only mom who has had these thoughts before. Crazy as it sounds it seems like we as women have taken it on ourselves to be Wonder Woman. We think we need to have a perfectly clean house, we need to be super involved in our kids lives and school activities, we need to be cooking and cleaning and working out and don’t forget to make sure you go to Whole Foods to get the healthiest food for your little ones otherwise you’re a "bad mom".

But it’s simply not true. These are the lies we as women have been fed most of our lives. Lies coming from our society, our families, and even sometimes the devil himself. But that’s just it. They’re LIES.

When I finally put this together I realized that I was finding my value and my worth in what I DO. And what I didn’t do. When I ran errands and cleaned the house and played with my son and worked out and put on cute clothes AND makeup and got a billion things done during the day I felt awesome. I did it. I've finally got the hang out of this mom thing. I’m so amazing.

And then the next day I wore the clothes that I slept in. I didn’t take a shower or brush my teeth. I spent half the day on the couch feeding my son and binge watching Netflix and not a single thing on my to-do list got done. And I felt awful. I’m definitely the worst mom on the planet. I can’t get it together. What’s wrong with me!?

And then my husband came home. Of course I apologized. I do every time.

“I’m so sorry! Nothing got done!”

“It’s okay. It will get done eventually.” He said.

It took awhile for it to really click. My husband still loves me. He’s not just gonna get rid of me just because our house is a little messy. He doesn’t have that old fashioned mentality. Instead, he says, “I love you. You’re a good wife and mom.” And then after a long day at work he gets up and helps clean the house.

If that’s not a beautiful picture of how Christ loves us then I don’t know what is. How often do we get worn down by life, attempting to do it all on our own, trying desperately to get our act together, only to fail. Time after time. And then Jesus comes alongside us and says, “I love you. I’ve got this. Lay your burden at my feet so that I may carry it.”

You see our value rests in not what we can do but what Christ has done through us. I think we tend to forget this and we set the standards for ourselves SO high. And we will NEVER be good enough on our own. Because when we try to be good enough, we find ourselves absolutely exhausted and staring into the face of failure. But thank the Lord our value does not rest in how clean our house is or whether or not we’re making healthy, homemade meals. I’d have been out of the running a LOOONG time ago.

Now I’m not saying you should never clean your house or even that you shouldn’t strive for a clean house, those are actually really good things. But that is not what makes you a good wife and mom.

Being a good wife and mom is not about keeping a spotless house. It’s not about spending hours in the kitchen slaving over homemade meals. It’s not about getting a million things done and desperately trying to be Super Mom. If that's your definition of a "good" mom then you will NEVER be a good enough mom. It won't happen. I will never be a good enough mom in that sense. But I do love my family, and that's worth more than anything.