No Social Media - One Week In

January 7th my husband and I set out to essentially “fast” from social media, tv, and video games for 30 whole days!! (I know, crazy)

We’re a little over one week in and it’s crazy how much our lives have changed already. Both in ways that were expected and unexpected.

Suddenly, without the distraction of facebook or pinterest or whatever, I have time to workout. (yay.) My husband and I have been sitting down at the table to eat dinner, instead of in front of the tv. We play with Levi more and read books and spend more time in the word instead of zoning out on our phones. Our house has stayed cleaner! Because when you’re free from distractions you suddenly have time to keep your house clean. Funny how that works.

Going into this challenge I was a little worried that I might get lonely. After all, when you live far from home, like we do, facebook is one of the few ways you can stay connected to friends and family back home. But strangely enough I didn’t really feel that lonely at all.

In some ways, I actually felt less lonely. Here’s where the unexpected part comes in. I realized a very harsh and bitter truth about myself: I look to social media for approval.

GASP!!!

This challenge has been at times, very easy and yet very hard. Staying away from my phone wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it might be. The hard part was realizing that I wanted to post things sheerly for the approval of others. I wanted people to see me in a good light. I often post cute and funny pictures of my son, so that people will think I’m a good mom. (how that makes sense I’m truly not sure) I want people to think I’m funny and nice and that I’ve got it all together!

But if I’m honest with myself; I definitely don’t have it all together. I only ever post the good parts of my life. I don’t post pictures of a sink full of dirty dishes, or a picture of my messy house. I don’t post that I feel lonely or that since Levi’s been born we eat way more fast food than ever before. And whether I post the good parts of my life to convince others or myself that I’ve got it all together, I really don’t know.

But I wonder if I’m not the only one. I wonder if other people scroll through facebook feeling like everyone has it together except them. Ouch. That’s a tough pill to swallow. And it’s hard not to feel inadequate when see that super fit girl posting a post-workout selfie. Or the mom who seems to have mastered motherhood, making homemade meals, taking her perfect angels to the park everyday, all the while volunteering at the homeless shelter. Okay, I exaggerate, but still. How many of us post things that make it look like we have it all together when really, maybe we don’t?

And it’s not that I think we need to post every hardship or every depressing thought that comes into our heads on facebook. I simply wonder if we spent less time on facebook and more time truly connecting with people, if we’d be a little less lonely. Less depressed. Less of a need to put your best face forward and convince the world that you’re superwoman (or man).

Real, authentic people who care about one another. I wonder what would happen….

The New Year as a Young Mom

           The past few days a lot of people have asked if I did anything fun to celebrate the New Year, to which I laughed and responded with, "No. I have a baby." But in all reality this New Year's one of the most special I've had the privilege of celebrating, and probably not for the reason you think.

You see, here’s the thing about becoming a parent; your life never really goes back to the way it was. Sure your life settles down eventually, you get into a rhythm and a routine, you learn the ins and outs of parenthood and find a new “normal”. But it’s never quite the same.

As a parent you suddenly find yourself devoting a good chunk of your time and energy to keep another sweet, adorable, sometimes seemingly possessed, little human being alive. You feed them, change them, lay them down for naps (or die trying). You soothe boo-boos and temper tantrums. You clean up vomit and blowouts and other messes resulting from bodily functions you didn’t even know about until you became a parent.

No. After you have kids your life is never the same. But it’s not just because of the endless pile of laundry you seem to have these days (who knew the tiniest person in the house could up the laundry exponentially?). It’s not because everywhere you go now you have to lug a giant car seat or corral a bunch of toddlers into your new, sweet, minivan. It’s not even because a new, little human changes the entire dynamic between you and your spouse.

The biggest thing that changes is that, in a way, your life is no longer your own. Somebody’s very life is placed into your hands. You literally have the power to shape someone’s entire existence, for better or worse. You nurture them and care for them and help them grow. It’s difficult and amazing and challenging and wonderful and at times… lonely.

There. I said it.

Because when you have kids, you give up nearly everything. And it’s worth it. SO worth it. But suddenly you have to make sacrifices and put someone’s needs before your own desires. It’s very similar to getting married, except that you’re marrying an adult who can (hopefully) take care of themselves and survive perfectly fine without you.

But when you have a baby they’re quite literally dependent on you for EVERYTHING. You sacrifice your sleep, your freetime, your hobbies, date nights, girls nights, showers, vacations, and much, much more.

And at times, it’s really, really hard.

And it’s made harder when you feel like no one else really gets it. You see, I didn’t really get a typical “teenage experience”. I started taking college classes at sixteen and got a job a few months later. Then I graduated, got engaged at eighteen, married at nineteen and after three months of marriage learned that I was pregnant.

It was exciting! And fun! We were having a baby! But here’s the thing about getting married young and having a baby, you kind of feel like the odd one out.

I’ve realized the past few months that a strange sort of resentment had been building up inside of me. My and husband and I don’t exactly fit the mold. College age students who are married with a baby are just not something you find much these days. Sure we have married friends with kids, but they’re several years older than us. And we have some younger friends who are married, but most of them aren’t ready to have a kids yet.

And then there are the friends who aren’t married at all. The ones who are going to school and traveling to other countries and having fun 21st birthday parties. Just living life and embracing their youth!

And sometimes I scroll through facebook and can’t help but feel like an outsider. Like I missed out somehow. I didn’t get to go to a university. I didn’t get to study abroad and travel. I didn’t get to have a fun night out with my friends for my 21st.

And to be honest it took me longer than it should have to realize what was going on. I was jealous. Jealous of the friends who can go wherever they wanted, whenever they wanted. Jealous of the friends who’ve decided to wait on kids and now get to travel with their friends or spouses. Jealous that they could sleep whenever they felt like it! (Seriously though. Sleep is a luxury these days.)

And when you’re one of the only people your age with kids it’s really easy to feel completely alone, like nobody gets it. After all, there’s a reason people are waiting to have kids. I realized I’d been begging some of my friends and family to have kids not because “It’s the best thing ever!” and “Levi needs friends and cousins!” but mostly because I didn’t want to feel so alone in motherhood.

Then it hit me the other day like a ton of bricks. After church my husband and I loaded up Levi and decided to go for a hike. We strapped Levi into his carrier and started walking. It was a beautiful day. A little cold, but the sun was shining and we hiked along the lake. And I realized, I loved my family.

I know, shocker.

      But it was more than just realizing my love for my family. I’ve always loved them. It was realizing that I loved them so much that I’d looked to them for complete fulfillment, when I should have been looking to God. I love my husband and my son. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But they will never be enough for me. At the end of the day God is the only one who can truly fulfill me.

In that moment, it was as if he whispered into my heart, reminding me that I love the life he has given me, that he has placed me where I am for a reason.

God has placed me in my life as a wife and a mother. He hasn’t placed me in a big university. He hasn’t placed me overseas traveling. He hasn’t placed me at some party. He’s placed me right here, right now as a wife and mom. It’s tempting to feel like I missed out somehow. But if this is the life God has called me to, am I really missing out?

And later that night, while other people were ringing in the new year with parties and events and fireworks I was sitting in a rocking chair holding my sweet, sleepy, baby boy. And for the first time in along time I realized I wouldn’t have it any other way.

A Letter To My Son

**Recently, a friend of mine wrote a letter to her unborn daughter and posted it to her own blog. Reading that letter made me extremely emotional but it was soo good, and it made me realize there are many things I want to tell my own son so she inspired me to write a letter of my own.**

(Her post is here: http://againsttheordinary.blogspot.com/p/a-letter-to-my-daughter.html)

To My Son:

My dear, sweet, little Levi. First off, I want you to know that I love you sooo much! I know you’ve heard it before and you’ll it every day for the rest of your life but that’s only because it’s true.

In fact, from the moment that second little line turned blue I was in love. A little scared, yes, but completely, whole-heartedly in love. And I promise that will never, ever change. I’m going to be honest with you for a moment, you were a bit of a surprise. Your father and I had initially planned to wait awhile longer before we started having kids. But God had a much different plan for our lives. One we could never have dreamed up for ourselves. So I want you to know that even though you were a surprise that you are not an accident, not a mistake and not unwanted.

Honestly, it was quite the opposite. I knew even when I was young that I wanted to be a mom. I knew that God had laid this calling on my heart long before you were ever born, before I learned I was pregnant, before I’d even met your father. Before all of that I wanted you. I prayed for you. I loved you. And I hadn’t even met you yet. But my heart longed for the day I would. And the day you were born I knew my life had changed forever, and it would never be the same.

From pretty much day one you gave me trouble. You made me sick and tired. You gave me aches and pains. You sent me into preterm labor. Twice. And don’t even get me started on childbirth. And yet, somehow, after all of that, when you were finally born and I heard you cry for the first time and they placed you on my chest, I knew I would do it a million times over for you because you were worth every bit of struggle I went through. You are worth it. I hope you never forget that.

And I hope you never forget just how worthy you are, not only to me, but to your heavenly father as well. Because, though impossible it seems, he loves you so much more than I do, than I ever could. He loves you so much that he gave his ONLY son for you. He died for you. And I pray you never forget that.

It’s sort of funny because before we had learned whether you were a girl or boy I thought for sure you were a girl. (Please don’t hold that against me!) Interestingly enough, I thought our friends, who were also pregnant at the time, were having a boy. Evidently, I got it completely backwards. (I guess I just don’t have the gift)

Even though I had initially thought you were a girl, when we learned that you were in fact a baby boy I was so happy, albeit a little nervous, but so so happy!

And I’ve come to realize something, that I’ve been given the unique opportunity to raise not just a boy but a young man.

Levi, I said earlier that I prayed for you long before you were ever born but I want you to know that I continue to pray for you everyday. I pray that your father and I will raise you to be a Godly man, something our society is in short supply of these days.

My hope is that you will be a man who continually strives after God’s own heart, day after day. I pray you will be a REAL man in a world full of overgrown boys. I pray you will be hope for the hurting and a light in the darkness.

And although you are a little boy now, I know the day will come when girls will go from having “cooties” to being cuties. (I know, cheesy, but I couldn’t resist) And you will begin to take notice. And to be honest that day scares me.

Sadly, we live in such a perverted, sexualized culture intent on dragging good men down. And though I am obviously not a man myself I know the temptation will be beyond belief. They will come at you with porn, with sexualized movies and ads, with the notion that all of this “stuff” is completely normal. Please believe me when I say, it’s not.

And I pray you know that. I pray you will be a man who goes against the grain, who challenges this depraved mentality. I pray you will be a man who treats women with the respect they deserve - no matter who they are or what they wear. I hope you learn to rise above that.

Our culture so often sees men as animals who only want one thing and can’t control their “urges”. But I pray that you will raise the standards for men in your generation, that you prove to them that not all men are dogs, that they’re not only after one thing, and that gentlemen DO exist and you are one of them. Not only that, but I pray you show women that THEY are worthy of a man who treats them well like you do.

I pray you will learn the value of hard work; that you always strive to do your best day in and day out; that when teachers and friends and employers look at you, they see someone responsible and capable and hardworking.

When I think of the man you will become someday the word that comes to mind is courage. I pray that you will be courageous in the face of fear, that you will be a man who stands up for what is right, even if the world is standing against you.

I pray you learn that,

Being brave is not about being fearless, but having the courage to do what scares you the most.

Levi, I hope you know that your father and I will always support you, no matter what direction you choose to go with your life. Your dad and I will always be your biggest fans. I do hope however, that you choose to follow wherever God leads you, whether that is to become a missionary in Nicaragua or to be a high school math teacher. (Just so you know, if you do become a math teacher there’s a good chance I will not be able to help you beyond basic algebra) I simply pray you have the continual courage to go after your dreams no matter how much they may scare you.

And I know, as much as I don’t want to think about it, that someday you will be all grown up. You may go to college and get married and have kids of your own. And although watching you learn and grow is such a joy and a privilege I know that day will come faster than I think and as I’ve said before I know I will miss the days when you were just a little boy in my arms. But to watch you go from a little boy to a young man is an incredible responsibility and nothing could make me happier.

So I have one last prayer for you. (Although not really) I pray that you will be a reflection of Jesus Christ. That you will be a man who fights for his family, his wife, his friends and his God. That you would be a witness every single day to those around you and realize that God has placed you when and where you are for a divine purpose. Because you are beautifully and wonderfully made. I know God has an amazing plan for your life and I hope you never forget who you are, but most of all, WHOSE you are.

Once again, I love you so much. Nothing you ever do will change that.

Love, Mommy