Lies I Believed About Motherhood

I remember the day I took that first pregnancy test quite vividly. I’d been having some subtle symptoms for a week and half or so but I’d convinced myself it was all in my head. I definitely could not be pregnant. And then I thought, “Oh what the heck, I’ll just take one.”

Lo and behold, two blue lines. I was pregnant.

It was both exciting and terrifying. There was a tiny, little human being inside of me! I couldn’t believe it. I was actually going to be a mom. All my life I couldn’t wait to have kids of my own. And then when it was there, staring me right in the face, I suddenly felt very nervous. Was I really ready to be a mom?

As my pregnancy progressed I felt less scared and more excited. By the end of my pregnancy I could hardly wait to have my little man. I just wanted him here in my arms. (And I was really done being pregnant)

And then, at long last, he was here. My beautiful little boy. (Okay, I admit when he first came out he was kind of weird looking) They placed him on my chest for the first time and I nearly cried tears of joy. It was incredible.

And then we brought him home. And that’s when the real work began. It’s strange how being a mom, and a parent in general, can be both the best job in the world and the hardest. With no pay. Actually it’s more like negative pay. Yet, despite the trials that come with being a mom, it’s all worth it.

Even though I haven’t been a mom for very long, I’m beginning to realize there were things I believed about motherhood that really aren’t true. Ideas I've believed for so long I didn't realize how it was effecting the way I view myself and the way I view motherhood. It’s been a slow process, coming to terms with some of these ideas. But I've realized by believing these lies my view of motherhood has been twisted. It makes me feel like a failure, like I will never be good enough mother to my son. I realized that the enemy was messing with my head, twisting good things into things that hold me back and make me feel inadequate.

So these are just a few of the lies I've believed, whether consciously or not, for a majority of my life. And I think it's safe to say that there are many women out there who've believed these lies, who've let society tell them what a good mom looks like. My hope is that by opening up about this issue I've faced that other mothers out there can also do the same. So these are the lies I believed about motherhood.

Lie #1.Being a wife and mom will completely fulfill me

Back when I was in high school I had such a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. Did I want to be massage therapist? Did I want to be a teacher? Did I want to be an Imagineer for Disney? I bounced back and forth between this and that. Nothing ever really sticking. And in retrospect I can see why. It’s because even though I didn’t know what I wanted to be, I knew someday I wanted to be a wife and mom. It seemed a little silly to spend my time and money on college education when, in the end, my hope was simply to be a stay-at-home mom.

And then, shortly after I graduated my husband and I got married and three months later we were pregnant. It was just the sort of fairy tale ending I had hoped for. But just a few weeks after I had Levi I began to realize that motherhood is hard. I knew it would be, but I didn't know how much. And while I love my husband and son more than anything else in the world, I still didn’t feel completely fulfilled.

I know it shouldn’t have, but it shocked me. How could what I’ve dreamed of my entire life, not fulfill me? How could what God laid on my heart not fulfill me? It seemed crazy. I’d wanted this my whole life and now it didn’t feel like enough. And only recently did I begin to learn the truth.

Even though being a wife and mom is part of who I am, it is not solely who I am. My world had been revolving around being a wife and mom, even before I was either, when it should have been revolving around Jesus. I know that God put it on my heart to be a wife and mom, but idolizing my husband and son had left me bitter and empty. True fulfillment comes when I surrender my life to Christ. And by doing that I’ve learned to appreciate and love being a wife and mom even more. Go figure, right?

Lie #2. I will instantly bond with my child

As I mentioned earlier it was one of the most amazing days when my little baby boy was born, albeit hard, but nonetheless amazing. When they laid him on my chest for the first time it was the best feeling in the world. After all of this hard work, he was finally here. We had a magical “golden hour” (or two if I’m honest). I felt elated. I was on cloud nine. Nothing could bring me down!

And then the epidural wore off. And the adrenaline died down. I was tired. I was in pain. And suddenly I had more responsibility than ever before. Levi had trouble nursing at first. I was struggling with breastfeeding. Oh, and did I mention I was exhausted and in a lot of pain? Suddenly, being a mom seemed a lot less magical.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Levi from the moment I met him. But I just didn’t feel that instant bonding that other women say they felt. I know it may not have really been the case but it certainly felt like Levi preferred pretty much anyone else to me. Unless he was hungry. In the beginning I just felt like a milk machine. How come we didn’t have that special bond that moms share with their babies? Was I doing something wrong?

Once again, in retrospect, I can see the truth. The matter of the fact is, even though I’d carried this little guy for nine months, we still had to get to know each other. Like with any relationship, be it your spouse or your sister or your friend, the more time you spend getting to know them, the more you learn about one another and the more you bond. Sometimes, even mom and baby relationships just take time. And that’s okay. (That being said, if after a long time you still don’t feel bonded to your baby that can be a sign of postpartum depression so you really ought to talk with your doctor.)

Lie #3. I have to be superwoman

This is one lie that still plagues me. I have been slow to really take this to heart. But I know in my head that it’s simply not true.

I was so naive when it came to motherhood. Even though I’ve grown up working with kids there are still some things that took me off guard. I had all these ideas about what I was going to do once I was a mom. Things like making homemade baby food, and nursing for the first year and keeping my house clean all of the time.

Boy oh boy, was I in for a shock. Guess what? When you’re a mom, you’re kind of tired sometimes. I know. Truly shocking. It’s amazing how some days I feel like I’m so on top of things. I’ve done the laundry and the dishes. I’ve played with Levi and given him super healthy, homemade baby food.  I’ve even showered, put on makeup and a cute outfit! Look out world, here I come!

And then the next day I’m chugging down coffee in sweatpants and it’s all I can do to make it til naptime. How could I be so awesome one day and so… not awesome the next? And why did I feel like such a failure for simply being tired?

Well I’m learning, very slowly I might add, that I don’t have to superwoman. Striving to be a good wife and mom is a very good thing. But trying to be perfect twenty-four/seven is impossible. Not to mention, absolutely exhausting. The thing is, kids don’t really care if you’re superwoman or not. At the end of the day if your kids are fed and loved, then you’re doing a pretty good job.

Lie #4. I will love being a mom all the time

This lie sort of goes back to the very first one, thinking that motherhood will somehow completely fulfill you. Thinking that you will love every second of every day of being a mom. The truth is, you won’t. I’m sure by now you’ve realized motherhood is no picnic. It’s hard work. Changing poopy diapers, cleaning up perpetual messes, finding mysterious crusty substances stuck to your jeans. (Is it poop? Is it spit up? Is it baby food? Guess we’ll never know..)

It’s enough to drive any sane person completely bonkers! And sometimes, I don’t love being a mom. Sometimes I long for the days when I could just leave the house whenever I wanted. Now I have to pack up a baby and pray that I can get my errands finished before he has a meltdown.

For a while I felt so guilty about this. I had always wanted to be a mom, why would I not love being a mom all the time? I’ve come to realize, it’s okay if I don’t love being a mom all the time. I was a person before I became a mom. I will be a person after my children grow up and leave. Sometimes, even the best moms, just need a break. And that's okay.

Lie #5. I’m Not Strong

This isn’t so much a lie I believed about motherhood, but a lie I believed about myself. I’ve never felt particularly strong either physically or spiritually. I’ve never been super outgoing or brave or courageous.

But perhaps the first thing I learned about motherhood; that I am way stronger than I ever knew. It takes strength to carry a baby for nine months and deal with all the lovely side effects of pregnancy. It takes strength to bring a baby into this world, regardless of the type of birth you have. It takes strength to get up at three in the morning, more tired than you’ve ever been, and nurse your baby while your husband sleeps soundly. (Seriously. So not fair)

Becoming a mom is learning that you are stronger than you ever knew or believed possible. Being a mom is not for the faint of heart. And yet, so many women I know are incredible, strong mothers. (My own being the best obviously;)

We may not be perfect moms. We will all make mistakes. We will all be tired. But to be a mom is a privilege and a blessing. And yes it’s one of the hardest jobs out there. But it is one of the best.

30 Days - No Social Media

 Yes. You read that correctly. Thirty days. No social media.

Why would I attempt such a strange and arduous task? Well. Here’s the thing. Have you ever thought about how much time you spend just scrolling through Facebook or Pinterest or Instagram?

Personally, I try not to. Largely because, well, I know I spend WAYYY too much time on there. I find myself getting on to just check one little thing, really quick, and suddenly, an hour has gone by just scrolling. And usually by the time I realize I’ve wasted a precious hour (or two or three) of my life and logout, I find that I forgot why I even got on there in the first place!

To my dismay, it has become a vicious cycle. It’s made worse by the fact that to certain extent we need our phones and laptops. We need to get a hold of people. We need them to be able to get a hold of us. We need to answer emails and texts and check assignments online. Our world has sadly made it nearly impossible to live without modern technology.

But what if, for thirty whole days, we said no. No to Facebook. No to Instagram. No to Pinterest. It sounds so dreadfully hard!

I don’t know about you but I wonder how our lives would change. Would we have more time and energy to do the things we actually wanted? More time to spend with our friends and our families? More time to spend reading God’s word?

For me, I know I tend to make excuses when it comes to having the time to do things. I don’t have time to workout. I don’t have time to read my bible. I don’t have time to do homework or laundry or dishes!

But if I’m brutally honest with myself, I do. But isn’t it so much easier to pull out our cell phones and just mindlessly scroll? We can spend hours watching videos about cats or food or fails. We can spend hours pinning and stalking people we used to know on Facebook. It’s just so easy.

But is it really life fulfilling? Uh oh.

The truth is, we have a lot more time than I think we even realize. I can (and often do) spend hours on Pinterest looking for the perfect workout, when I could really just.. Go work out. The sad fact is, I’m only just beginning to realize how much time I do waste. And if there’s one thing we can never get back, it’s the time we have on this earth.

The reason my time has suddenly become so very precious to me is because, well, I have a baby. He’s growing before my very eyes and before I know it he’ll be all grown up. I don’t want to miss that.

So for the next thirty days my husband and I are abstaining from social media. No Facebook. No Instagram. No Pinterest. (because my husband is the pinterest addict obviously…) We’ve also decided to include television and video games because those are other big time wasters for us. We will still be using our phones for texting and calling, but that’s pretty much it.

Along the way I plan to write and blog about our experience with this “Thirty Day Challenge”. For me, writing is life fulfilling so I don’t see that as wasted time. But I don’t want to just stop wasting time. I want to fill my life with the things, the people and the God I love. And I know I just can’t do that sitting in front of a screen.

So tomorrow, January 7th, is Day One for me. The last day will be February 5th. If you would like to join me that would be amazing and I'd love to hear all about it! If not, I completely understand. But it’s never too late to make a change

I'll Never Be A Good Enough Mom

Before I got married and had a child of my own I had this vision in my head of the kind of wife and mom I thought I’d be. I’d have a tastefully decorated house that I kept spic and span. I’d go grocery shopping and make delicious home-made meals. I’d do all of these fun extracurricular activities with my children and I’d have it all together! HA! Yeah right.

Obviously, I quickly learned that that would not be the case AT ALL! Shortly after we got married I got pregnant and had terrible morning sickness, to where I could not even step in the kitchen without having to run to the bathroom to throw up, let alone actually cook a meal! And then came the exhaustion. I’d come home from work and it was all I could do to just tidy up around the house before my feet started to hurt.

And then I actually had a baby. We won’t get into how difficult that is but any mom who has had a couple kids knows. You come home from the hospital in more pain than you’ve ever been in, more tired than you’ve ever been before and to top it off you now have more responsibility than you’ve ever had at any other point in your life. To say you’re a little stressed would be biggest understatement of all time probably.

So the months passed and I thought I’d get my act together. I thought I’d get my baby on a schedule, and while he slept I would clean and do laundry and wash the dishes. And then when he was awake I’d sing songs with him and read books and it would just fine and dandy. Except that’s not exactly what happened. Sure, some days I do get tons of stuff done and have bonding time with my little man but nine times out of ten that’s definitely not the case.

It seems like I have this never ending to-do list in my head. Vacuum the carpet, make the bed, do the dishes, fold the laundry, sweep the kitchen and then mop the kitchen, go buy groceries etc, etc, etc… The list never ends. Really. It never seems to end. For every one thing I check off, two more get added. It’s like Hydra. So when I look around my house and it looks like a crazy tornado swept through I feel like a complete and total failure.

And when this happens I begin to question my worth as a wife and a mom. I start saying things to myself like, “Wow, Levi and Alton deserve way better than me” or “Why is it so hard to simply do the dishes? I must be a bad mom.” The voices in my head are never kind. Never uplifting. Always dragging me down further and further. Telling me I’m not good enough, and I never will be. All because my house is messy.

Wait, what?

Yeah. I think I’m a bad wife and mom because I have dirty dishes.

Somehow, I truly believed this. And it really wasn’t until recently that I realized just how messed up and destructive this mentality is. And I know that I’m definitely not the only mom who has had these thoughts before. Crazy as it sounds it seems like we as women have taken it on ourselves to be Wonder Woman. We think we need to have a perfectly clean house, we need to be super involved in our kids lives and school activities, we need to be cooking and cleaning and working out and don’t forget to make sure you go to Whole Foods to get the healthiest food for your little ones otherwise you’re a "bad mom".

But it’s simply not true. These are the lies we as women have been fed most of our lives. Lies coming from our society, our families, and even sometimes the devil himself. But that’s just it. They’re LIES.

When I finally put this together I realized that I was finding my value and my worth in what I DO. And what I didn’t do. When I ran errands and cleaned the house and played with my son and worked out and put on cute clothes AND makeup and got a billion things done during the day I felt awesome. I did it. I've finally got the hang out of this mom thing. I’m so amazing.

And then the next day I wore the clothes that I slept in. I didn’t take a shower or brush my teeth. I spent half the day on the couch feeding my son and binge watching Netflix and not a single thing on my to-do list got done. And I felt awful. I’m definitely the worst mom on the planet. I can’t get it together. What’s wrong with me!?

And then my husband came home. Of course I apologized. I do every time.

“I’m so sorry! Nothing got done!”

“It’s okay. It will get done eventually.” He said.

It took awhile for it to really click. My husband still loves me. He’s not just gonna get rid of me just because our house is a little messy. He doesn’t have that old fashioned mentality. Instead, he says, “I love you. You’re a good wife and mom.” And then after a long day at work he gets up and helps clean the house.

If that’s not a beautiful picture of how Christ loves us then I don’t know what is. How often do we get worn down by life, attempting to do it all on our own, trying desperately to get our act together, only to fail. Time after time. And then Jesus comes alongside us and says, “I love you. I’ve got this. Lay your burden at my feet so that I may carry it.”

You see our value rests in not what we can do but what Christ has done through us. I think we tend to forget this and we set the standards for ourselves SO high. And we will NEVER be good enough on our own. Because when we try to be good enough, we find ourselves absolutely exhausted and staring into the face of failure. But thank the Lord our value does not rest in how clean our house is or whether or not we’re making healthy, homemade meals. I’d have been out of the running a LOOONG time ago.

Now I’m not saying you should never clean your house or even that you shouldn’t strive for a clean house, those are actually really good things. But that is not what makes you a good wife and mom.

Being a good wife and mom is not about keeping a spotless house. It’s not about spending hours in the kitchen slaving over homemade meals. It’s not about getting a million things done and desperately trying to be Super Mom. If that's your definition of a "good" mom then you will NEVER be a good enough mom. It won't happen. I will never be a good enough mom in that sense. But I do love my family, and that's worth more than anything.

A Letter To My Son

**Recently, a friend of mine wrote a letter to her unborn daughter and posted it to her own blog. Reading that letter made me extremely emotional but it was soo good, and it made me realize there are many things I want to tell my own son so she inspired me to write a letter of my own.**

(Her post is here: http://againsttheordinary.blogspot.com/p/a-letter-to-my-daughter.html)

To My Son:

My dear, sweet, little Levi. First off, I want you to know that I love you sooo much! I know you’ve heard it before and you’ll it every day for the rest of your life but that’s only because it’s true.

In fact, from the moment that second little line turned blue I was in love. A little scared, yes, but completely, whole-heartedly in love. And I promise that will never, ever change. I’m going to be honest with you for a moment, you were a bit of a surprise. Your father and I had initially planned to wait awhile longer before we started having kids. But God had a much different plan for our lives. One we could never have dreamed up for ourselves. So I want you to know that even though you were a surprise that you are not an accident, not a mistake and not unwanted.

Honestly, it was quite the opposite. I knew even when I was young that I wanted to be a mom. I knew that God had laid this calling on my heart long before you were ever born, before I learned I was pregnant, before I’d even met your father. Before all of that I wanted you. I prayed for you. I loved you. And I hadn’t even met you yet. But my heart longed for the day I would. And the day you were born I knew my life had changed forever, and it would never be the same.

From pretty much day one you gave me trouble. You made me sick and tired. You gave me aches and pains. You sent me into preterm labor. Twice. And don’t even get me started on childbirth. And yet, somehow, after all of that, when you were finally born and I heard you cry for the first time and they placed you on my chest, I knew I would do it a million times over for you because you were worth every bit of struggle I went through. You are worth it. I hope you never forget that.

And I hope you never forget just how worthy you are, not only to me, but to your heavenly father as well. Because, though impossible it seems, he loves you so much more than I do, than I ever could. He loves you so much that he gave his ONLY son for you. He died for you. And I pray you never forget that.

It’s sort of funny because before we had learned whether you were a girl or boy I thought for sure you were a girl. (Please don’t hold that against me!) Interestingly enough, I thought our friends, who were also pregnant at the time, were having a boy. Evidently, I got it completely backwards. (I guess I just don’t have the gift)

Even though I had initially thought you were a girl, when we learned that you were in fact a baby boy I was so happy, albeit a little nervous, but so so happy!

And I’ve come to realize something, that I’ve been given the unique opportunity to raise not just a boy but a young man.

Levi, I said earlier that I prayed for you long before you were ever born but I want you to know that I continue to pray for you everyday. I pray that your father and I will raise you to be a Godly man, something our society is in short supply of these days.

My hope is that you will be a man who continually strives after God’s own heart, day after day. I pray you will be a REAL man in a world full of overgrown boys. I pray you will be hope for the hurting and a light in the darkness.

And although you are a little boy now, I know the day will come when girls will go from having “cooties” to being cuties. (I know, cheesy, but I couldn’t resist) And you will begin to take notice. And to be honest that day scares me.

Sadly, we live in such a perverted, sexualized culture intent on dragging good men down. And though I am obviously not a man myself I know the temptation will be beyond belief. They will come at you with porn, with sexualized movies and ads, with the notion that all of this “stuff” is completely normal. Please believe me when I say, it’s not.

And I pray you know that. I pray you will be a man who goes against the grain, who challenges this depraved mentality. I pray you will be a man who treats women with the respect they deserve - no matter who they are or what they wear. I hope you learn to rise above that.

Our culture so often sees men as animals who only want one thing and can’t control their “urges”. But I pray that you will raise the standards for men in your generation, that you prove to them that not all men are dogs, that they’re not only after one thing, and that gentlemen DO exist and you are one of them. Not only that, but I pray you show women that THEY are worthy of a man who treats them well like you do.

I pray you will learn the value of hard work; that you always strive to do your best day in and day out; that when teachers and friends and employers look at you, they see someone responsible and capable and hardworking.

When I think of the man you will become someday the word that comes to mind is courage. I pray that you will be courageous in the face of fear, that you will be a man who stands up for what is right, even if the world is standing against you.

I pray you learn that,

Being brave is not about being fearless, but having the courage to do what scares you the most.

Levi, I hope you know that your father and I will always support you, no matter what direction you choose to go with your life. Your dad and I will always be your biggest fans. I do hope however, that you choose to follow wherever God leads you, whether that is to become a missionary in Nicaragua or to be a high school math teacher. (Just so you know, if you do become a math teacher there’s a good chance I will not be able to help you beyond basic algebra) I simply pray you have the continual courage to go after your dreams no matter how much they may scare you.

And I know, as much as I don’t want to think about it, that someday you will be all grown up. You may go to college and get married and have kids of your own. And although watching you learn and grow is such a joy and a privilege I know that day will come faster than I think and as I’ve said before I know I will miss the days when you were just a little boy in my arms. But to watch you go from a little boy to a young man is an incredible responsibility and nothing could make me happier.

So I have one last prayer for you. (Although not really) I pray that you will be a reflection of Jesus Christ. That you will be a man who fights for his family, his wife, his friends and his God. That you would be a witness every single day to those around you and realize that God has placed you when and where you are for a divine purpose. Because you are beautifully and wonderfully made. I know God has an amazing plan for your life and I hope you never forget who you are, but most of all, WHOSE you are.

Once again, I love you so much. Nothing you ever do will change that.

Love, Mommy

To Levi - The Hardest Job

August 3rd, 2017

I know I should be folding laundry right now. Or washing the insane pile of dishes. Or packing for the big move. In fact, there’s probably a billion other things I SHOULD be doing right now, and yet, I’m laying here watching you sleep, just trying to soak it all in. Your tiny hands, your tiny feet, your tiny, little snores.

You see if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the few short weeks you’ve been here on this earth it’s this; Motherhood is hard. Pregnancy is hard. Labor is hard. Sleep deprivation is hard. Trying to clean the house with a screaming, fussy baby is hard. But when you curl up in my arms and fall asleep, or you flash me that big, heart-melting smile, it’s all completely worth it. Every struggle, every tear, every hard day. You are worth it.

I heard a saying once that went something like this:

“Parenting, the days are long but the years are short.”

You see I'm beginning to realize that things are hard now, yes, but I know they won’t always be. And I know you won’t always be this little. Before I know it you’ll be all grown up and I’ll find myself missing the days when you were this small, when I could hold you in my arms.

So the chores can wait a little while longer. Because there will ALWAYS be laundry to fold and dishes to wash. But you will only be this little once, and so I’m going to enjoy every minute I can get.