This Is Me

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go see the movie The Greatest Showman. It was, in my opinion, an amazing movie and I would highly recommend it to everyone. If you have not yet seen it I will try not to give away any spoilers but the story itself is truly captivating and extremely touching.

However, there is a particular song in there that really got to me. It’s the song called, This Is Me. If you’ve seen the movie you know what I’m talking about, but if you haven’t I’ll give you a quick rundown. In the movie the song is sung by the bearded lady (yes, a lady with a beard) and she simply talks about how she spent her life being ashamed of who she was and she was done with that. It’s truly a heart rending song.

The first few lines of the song go,

“I am not a stranger to the dark, hide away- they say, ‘cuz we don’t want your broken parts. I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars, run away-they say, no one’ll love you as you are...”  Later on she continues saying, “This is brave. This is bruised. This is who I’m meant to be. This is me.”

It’s an amazing song with such a powerful message.

And I remember sitting in the movie theater wanting to cry because how often have I been afraid and ashamed of who I am? How many times have I felt so broken that I thought there was no way anyone could ever love me as I am?

I’ve never been a super outgoing person. It takes me a long time to warm up to people and truly feel comfortable. I’ve always been the kind of person who sits in the back of the classroom or in the back of the church. I’ve always said it’s because I like keeping an eye on other people and because I don’t like the feeling of people watching me. But if I’m honest, the reason I stay in the back is because it’s easier to hide that way.

If people can’t see me then they won’t try to talk to me. I won’t have to be vulnerable. It’s easier to hide that way. Hide my sorrows, my scars, my mistakes. I mean, who could ever love the girl who used to cut herself? Who could ever love the girl who has struggled with depression her entire life? No. It’s much safer to hide. After all, if people don’t know who you are then they can’t judge you, right?

And I wonder if I’m not the only one who feels this way. The world can be a cruel place, full of judgement and hate and prejudice. The world doesn’t want broken people. It wants beautiful, perfect people living beautiful, perfect lives.

So we pretend. We put on a show. We hide. Don’t let anyone in. Don’t show the world your scars and your bruises and your mistakes. Nobody wants to see that.

But as Christians, is that the life God calls us to? To hide and be afraid and ashamed of who we are and what we’ve done? I don’t think so.

I remember when I first wanted to start this blog. I wanted to express myself, to step out of the shadows, so to speak. But honestly, I was terrified. I remember thinking to myself, “Why would anyone want to read or even care about what you have to say?” But I went ahead and put myself on the line anyway, voicing my opinions and being extremely vulnerable at times.

And the strangest thing happened. Instead of people running away in fear or throwing metaphorical tomatoes at me, people listened to me. With each new post I watched the number of readers rise.

Not only that but there were people who reached out to me and said they felt that same way, that they were going through the same things.

Whoa.

Because I had the courage to step out of my comfort zone, God showed me just how amazing it can be to be vulnerable and authentic.

And I wonder what would happen if we all did that? If we could all be brave enough to be authentic and in turn to love people as they come, not as we think they ought to be. Because at the end of the day we all have our bruises and scars, we’ve all made mistakes and we’ve all been hurt. And I bet everyone’s had that thought cross their mind, “How could anyone ever love me?”

But that’s just the thing. God calls us to love one another. He calls us to be a light in this dark world. And how can a light shine if it’s hidden under a basket?

So I pray that we can all learn to be authentic and real and love people regardless of their brokenness, that we would be who God has called us to be even when it’s hard.

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. I’ve been hurt and rejected at times. I have scars, both physical and emotional. But I can’t let those moments define me. That’s not who God has called me to be.

I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I’m meant to be. This is me.

30 Days - No Social Media

 Yes. You read that correctly. Thirty days. No social media.

Why would I attempt such a strange and arduous task? Well. Here’s the thing. Have you ever thought about how much time you spend just scrolling through Facebook or Pinterest or Instagram?

Personally, I try not to. Largely because, well, I know I spend WAYYY too much time on there. I find myself getting on to just check one little thing, really quick, and suddenly, an hour has gone by just scrolling. And usually by the time I realize I’ve wasted a precious hour (or two or three) of my life and logout, I find that I forgot why I even got on there in the first place!

To my dismay, it has become a vicious cycle. It’s made worse by the fact that to certain extent we need our phones and laptops. We need to get a hold of people. We need them to be able to get a hold of us. We need to answer emails and texts and check assignments online. Our world has sadly made it nearly impossible to live without modern technology.

But what if, for thirty whole days, we said no. No to Facebook. No to Instagram. No to Pinterest. It sounds so dreadfully hard!

I don’t know about you but I wonder how our lives would change. Would we have more time and energy to do the things we actually wanted? More time to spend with our friends and our families? More time to spend reading God’s word?

For me, I know I tend to make excuses when it comes to having the time to do things. I don’t have time to workout. I don’t have time to read my bible. I don’t have time to do homework or laundry or dishes!

But if I’m brutally honest with myself, I do. But isn’t it so much easier to pull out our cell phones and just mindlessly scroll? We can spend hours watching videos about cats or food or fails. We can spend hours pinning and stalking people we used to know on Facebook. It’s just so easy.

But is it really life fulfilling? Uh oh.

The truth is, we have a lot more time than I think we even realize. I can (and often do) spend hours on Pinterest looking for the perfect workout, when I could really just.. Go work out. The sad fact is, I’m only just beginning to realize how much time I do waste. And if there’s one thing we can never get back, it’s the time we have on this earth.

The reason my time has suddenly become so very precious to me is because, well, I have a baby. He’s growing before my very eyes and before I know it he’ll be all grown up. I don’t want to miss that.

So for the next thirty days my husband and I are abstaining from social media. No Facebook. No Instagram. No Pinterest. (because my husband is the pinterest addict obviously…) We’ve also decided to include television and video games because those are other big time wasters for us. We will still be using our phones for texting and calling, but that’s pretty much it.

Along the way I plan to write and blog about our experience with this “Thirty Day Challenge”. For me, writing is life fulfilling so I don’t see that as wasted time. But I don’t want to just stop wasting time. I want to fill my life with the things, the people and the God I love. And I know I just can’t do that sitting in front of a screen.

So tomorrow, January 7th, is Day One for me. The last day will be February 5th. If you would like to join me that would be amazing and I'd love to hear all about it! If not, I completely understand. But it’s never too late to make a change